I want to be honest in this journey. Not only for me but for other people going through hardship. In my readings I find the most encouragement from stories that are raw and authentic. That show, despite feeling "slain" they hold to the hope that God can work all things for good. This is NOT to say "God doesn't give you more that you can handle". He does and He has given us too much. This "too much", in my mind and in my walk, it is so that I can more readily lean on Him. The leaning is not pretty for me or easy, or honestly, of my doing at all. Most days I do nothing. Sometimes, all I can muster is a simple "God, help me"! I believe in those days, it is the prayers from each of you that are carrying us.
This week, has been particularly hard. We were at the finish line and then we were told, nope, you've still got to keep running and no one can tell you for how long. By all accounts it had been pretty smooth sailing, Joe has done remarkably well. But the truth is, this is hard and no one breezes through 7+3 chemo. It is so aggressive and when fevers hit, it is "normal", but terrifying for us as a patient and caregivers. We had to sit in the unspoken chilling reality that something like a cold or blood infection could be fatal. In these moments the only reason I come off as "strong" or "brave" is because I am fighting, with all that I have, to stay in the comfort of complete and total denial.
That is it. Not strength and not bravery. It is actually the exact opposite.
Right, now we are on day 31 and waiting. As most of you can imagine, for someone like Joe it is especially difficult to be in a room for that long. It was decided that we need to push our Duke appointment back a week based on the second set of fevers and because his ANCs (the infection fighters in the blood) were too low for him to be discharged. They also want him to be in the best shape possible for the pre-transplant physical evaluation. Joe has now been without a fever for over a day so now we are waiting for his ANCs to rebound. This count did go from 0.1 yesterday to 0.2 today but ideally we would like it to be at 1 for discharge.
The take away from all of this.... cancer sucks, but we're leaning on God. I've seen this video a couple of times and I find that each time I watch it I am wrecked in the best way possible.